Too much love can kill you...

"Resonance"- Annemie Odendaal
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Let me just start off by saying that I believe in love completely. Especially after my divorce. I am more certain than ever that love really is everything (1 Corinthians 13). I have also learnt that Love can only be Love if it is Freedom. Control is not love. Rules and changing someone is not Love. Compromising until you bleed is not Love. 

Apparently I am not the only one confused about the whole love / marriage thing. Books have been written, movies made and wars fought over Love, and I am still not any closer to understanding the full gravity of it.  After studying the Love Languages I do however grasp a bit clearer why some relationships just work, while others are hard work, frustration, fighting and doomed to fail.

What is Love? Who makes the rules? Who decides whether what I feel is right or wrong? What if you truly and deeply love two people equally? What if you have never really experienced Love?Sometimes love is conventional, sometimes unexpected, unusual, unexplainable, or completely out of the blue. It can hit you in a moment of breathless delight, or whisper softly from a distance over time.

Just because the love you feel doesn't conform to the general public's list of rights, wrongs, or what is acceptable and what not, doesn't mean what you feel is any less real. Just because I do not want conventional love, doesn't mean I don't want or don't deserve real love. 

I want love, just a different kind
I want love that won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learnt
So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

I'm not hesitant to Love because I am scared of getting hurt, no, people get hurt all the time. A heart can break a thousand times and still work. I am scared of being trapped and suffocated.

I know what I want, which is more than most people can say. I don't mind commitment, but I will not tolerate containment or control. I just want to be happy, if it doesn't make me happy, I can still walk away. I want an honest relationship. It sounds like a given, but it isn't. People are too scared to be rejected or to hurt the other person's feelings, so they practice false diplomacy. I want to be stimulated on many different levels. The problem is that some people, like me, are more complex, with many facets, interests and a very inquisitive mind. It is very hard to stimulate me on every level. I have many friends who each plays a very important role in my life, each of them sharing a different facet of my life, and together they are the perfect partner. 

I can love more than one person at once, truly, honestly and deeply, because each one brings something different to the table, adds value in a different way, and I can have a unique special connection with each of them. Does that make me difficult, more demanding, insatiable? Oscar Wilde said "He who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die", and I am completely aware of the price I have to pay for this. I know exactly how lucky I am to have all of these people in my life, and appreciate them for understanding and loving me. 


How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose?
No, there's no making sense of it 
Every way I choose I'm bound to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all.
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you every time 

I am far from having any answers, but I have a lot of questions I have to work through. Most people feel uncomfortable exploring Love in all forms, so it's easy for them to conform to conventional rules to feel safe. But I cannot trade "safe" for losing the chance of ever knowing what could have been.

Unconditional love. Someone who thinks my imperfections are perfect. Someone I will feel safe enough to share all of me, without being judged. Someone who doesn't want to tame me.
Someone who won't kill me with his version of Love.